As someone who is a therapist and a woman who has been in therapy herself for several years, one thing that truly messes with both my clients and myself is a never-ending desire to fix things and make them perfect. When I am working with clients, I am able to see these perfectionist tendencies quickly, but we all know that realizing these things for ourselves is nearly impossible and our biggest blind spot.
Over time I’ve become much more aware of issues with my boundaries and mindset, and have come to accept things the way they are much more easily. This has been such a big help to my mental health and relationships, however that doesn’t mean that I don’t still fall down the slippery slope of perfectionism sometimes (most of us do)!
One book that I found extremely helpful in assisting me with reframing perfectionism and seeing how it was impacting my life is Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism That Masks Your Depression by clinical psychologist Dr. Margaret Rutherford.* I always thought that perfectionism was more related to anxiety, but this book allowed me to see that a lot of it was resulting in an always-present low grade depression that wouldn’t budge. This book was truly impactful and explained perfectionism and its link to depression in a beautiful, compassionate way that was easy to understand and didn’t leave me feel ashamed. I have yet to finish all the great exercises and reflections in the book, but the information alone was monumental!
The big realization about perfectionism I got from Dr. Rutherford’s work was that I was using perfectionism as a defense mechanism, a way to make myself feel safe – but instead it was just shrinking my life. There became a time where I was so frozen that I was just doing the bare minimum and not truly LIVING my life. I was afraid to delve into my hobbies because I didn’t think I was good enough to even try. Or I wouldn’t even give myself time to do my hobbies and things that enriched my life, made me happy because I had to stay on the hamster wheel of achievement so that I could be “good enough.” I had always thought that becoming the best version of myself would fast-track me to having everything I wanted in life, but in reality it was making my life smaller and smaller as I became more afraid to interact with life, afraid of making mistakes.
If you can relate to this, you may really enjoy the Perfectly Hidden Depression book. I’ve also come across a really great article on The EveryGirl by Mandy Lasky, which I’d like to touch on. In the article, Lasky talks a lot about what she herself has realized in being negative impacted by her own search for perfection. She talks about her fear of not being or doing “enough” and the never-ending fear of being judged – something I deeply relate to. She talks about the same thing I realized I was experiencing . I’d like to use her exact words because I think it’s so powerful:
What if someone judged me in the morning or found my work lacking? That would be awful. Maybe I would never recover from the embarrassment. So I played it safe, never taking risks or exploring outside my narrow comfort zone.
– Mandy Lasky
Lasky also mentions some other impactful myths about perfectionism that I think are very important for everyone to know and think more deeply about within their own lives:
- It Doesn’t Raise Your Game – many of us think perfectionism is what gives us that “edge” and is just “having high standards.” That’s not true at all! Lasky quotes the amazing Dr. Brené Brown, who said it so well: “What emerged for me in the data is that perfectionism is not about striving for excellence or healthy striving. It’s… a way of thinking and feeling that says this: ‘If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame and judgment.’” We can still be great at what we do without being terrified of falling short or setting goals so unrealistically high that they actually damage our physical and mental health.
- It Doesn’t Help You Grow – Patricia a few years ago would have NEVER believed this! But honestly, I’ve grown so much more and tried so many new things, found so much more joy as I loosened the reigns. I’ve allowed myself to be, dare I say… human. Lasky quotes entrepreneur and life coach Marie Forleo: “Go for progress, not perfection.” As a Forleo fan myself, I could not agree more. Perfectionism makes us incredibly boring and unrelatable. Being real and vulnerable is interesting!
- It Doesn’t Support Your Health – This was a a big one for me, and a point that I was so happy that Lasky mentioned on the list. She uses a 2014 report to back this up: “Recent findings suggest that perfectionism is highly prevalent among children and adolescents, and perfectionism can be quite destructive in terms of its links with anxiety, depression, and suicide.” Perfectionism and eating disorders often go hand in hand as well, as they are both related to having control. As someone who has struggled with disordered eating and exercise addiction at a young age (now recovered for 10+ years) and someone who lives with and manages her anxiety and depression daily, I can SO agree.
- It Doesn’t Enrich Your Life And Relationships – This was another one that I was thrilled Lasky included, and one I deeply identified with. Perfectionism does not allow for the messiness, vulnerability, exploration, growth, and spontaneity of a fully lived life. When we are trying to be perfect and make everything and ourselves “just right”, we cut ourselves off from having the full experience of life. This can really hurt our relationships, preventing others from truly knowing us or being able to be their true selves around us – because often times if we expect ourselves to be perfect, we expect others to be perfect, and they can often feel the judgmental lens we view the world with. Lasky quotes Dr. Brown again to illustrate how this can prevent us from having fulfilling relationships: “Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it’s a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen and taking flight.”
I truly suggest you read Lasky’s article on The EveryGirl for more of her insights, because it’s a great article. I think perfectionism is such an important topic to keep shining the light on, because we are under enormous pressure to always be portraying ourselves in the highest possible light due to the increasing pressures of today’s social media driven world. I hope this article was helpful to you and gave you something to think about, or at least a little permission to let go of some beliefs that aren’t serving you.
*I am an Amazon affiliate and make a small commission of purchases.