I can’t believe I’m about to tell one of the most embarrassing stories of my life. But oh well, here it goes…
My first run-in with self criticism was when I was five years old and in kindergarten. This incident also marks the first time I’d felt a lot of other things, too – like shame, embarrassment, the feeling of wishing I could disappear. Long story short, I was a shy kid who didn’t like speaking up or talking in front of the class. So I didn’t know how to overcome that shyness to tell the teacher (can’t remember her name) that I had to use the bathroom. And I let me tell you – I REALLY had to go. So when she called me up to the front of the room, my body responded by unleashing the floodgates in front of the entire class. Yup, I peed in front of like 15 kids. They probably don’t remember this at all, but I sure as hell do. INTENSELY.
As the warm liquid slid down my legs, I felt my face get hot. I heard the class erupt in a mixture of laughter and gasps, and I just wanted to melt into the floor. I’m 31 now, but even as I’m telling you this so many years later, I realize that I never forgot that feeling – and I never had to. From that moment on, I was aware of those feelings of humiliation, and the resulting self criticism that comes from disappointing others and ourselves.
Do you have a story like this? I think we all do.
Now, I was a child and could not be blamed for that innocent incident. But as we get older, we place even more pressure on ourselves and expect ourselves to do better at all times, regardless of the circumstances. Let’s face it – few people hold us to the high standards that we hold ourselves to. Maybe you can relate to always blaming yourself for a mistake or criticizing yourself for not being “pretty enough”, “thin enough”, “smart enough”, “successful enough” or not doing something “perfectly enough”, etc. It’s a struggle that many women fight every single day – myself included. Even as I grew more comfortable with my body, I would pick myself apart for other things. The list of things I needed to improve only got longer over the years – never shorter. And it does serious damage.